I love Ikea

Tuesday I went to Ikea.  I like Ikea, and felt right at home there.  You gotta love their furniture.  I have been to Sweden, and I must say that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how they could build all those buildings and cathedrals with that little S shaped piece of metal.   I know that putting a bookcase together requires deciphering the 30 steps and looking at pictures of Grimace's albino cousin.  I cannot imagine the bag of parts that came with the the Opera House, or City Hall!  Oh, and speaking of Grimace, up until recently I had no idea why McDonald's had a character named Grimace.  I mean I know Ronald is a clown, Birdie is a bird, The Hamburglar is a hamburger thief, but what in the name of everything holy is a grimace???  It is only now, after eating out every meal for almost a month that I understand.  A Grimace is the look on your face as you watch your ass spread from eating at McDonald's all the time.  But I digress....
 
I just finished putting together a bookcase that's name sounds like the long lost 5th member of ABBA, you know, the retarded one that they had to lock up in the attic?  Well, I must say that I do rather well putting these things together.   The only thing is you better really be on your game and really pay attention.   Don't dare make a mistake on step 4 and then realize it on step 22!   That happened to me last night and I nearly burst into tears.  It is rare for it to happen to me, but when it did I was NOT about to undo all the steps and start over.  This is where a bottle of wood glue comes in handy, trust me that this is a required product to have on hand before even starting to put together any Ikea product.  Some other essentials for the would-be Ikea enthusiast would be:  a box of band-aids, some peroxide, a pencil, and vodka.  Perhaps you can get by without the band-aids, peroxide, and pencil, however I believe the vodka really is a must if you expect to escape the whole ordeal without being completely traumatized.  Ok, well you could replace the vodka with rum, or tequila, if you wish.

The night before you plan on doing it get a good nights rest.   Before you begin it might be a good idea to tell a friend or family member your plan so in case you go missing they can inform the search party exactly where you'll most likely be found.    This should not be attempted by those with bad eyesight, because you have to squint very hard to see where the fat marshmallow guy is pointing on the picture.  Sometimes the only way to figure out which piece is which is the little holes in it.  Two pieces may be completely identical except one piece has an extra hole on the top right corner.  Of course, it is at this exact spot in the manual when the printing machine that made the instruction manual decides to put a little more ink than is necessary and the picture becomes smeared.   Great!   In that case there is a phone number provided in the book.   Upon calling the number you are connected to a guy in India.  Yes, ANY phone number from ANY company connects you to a guy in India, except for the companies that are actually IN India.  If you call a company that is actually in India you get connected to a phone bank in Connecticut, don't ask me why, such is the many mysteries we may never fully understand.

So now I have only a couple of things left to put together.  I have a Bjork!  Yes, the coffee table screeches horribly to music if any is playing.   I also have a box that I honestly cannot remember what is in it, but the name sounds like something requiring vast amounts of antibiotics.   Maybe it has the fat albino marshmallow man inside and then I can have HIM finish this for me.

Time for some vodka...