Thursday, September 24, 2009

I love Ikea

Tuesday I went to Ikea.  I like Ikea, and felt right at home there.  You gotta love their furniture.  I have been to Sweden, and I must say that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how they could build all those buildings and cathedrals with that little S shaped piece of metal.   I know that putting a bookcase together requires deciphering the 30 steps and looking at pictures of Grimace's albino cousin.  I cannot imagine the bag of parts that came with the the Opera House, or City Hall!  Oh, and speaking of Grimace, up until recently I had no idea why McDonald's had a character named Grimace.  I mean I know Ronald is a clown, Birdie is a bird, The Hamburglar is a hamburger thief, but what in the name of everything holy is a grimace???  It is only now, after eating out every meal for almost a month that I understand.  A Grimace is the look on your face as you watch your ass spread from eating at McDonald's all the time.  But I digress....
 
I just finished putting together a bookcase that's name sounds like the long lost 5th member of ABBA, you know, the retarded one that they had to lock up in the attic?  Well, I must say that I do rather well putting these things together.   The only thing is you better really be on your game and really pay attention.   Don't dare make a mistake on step 4 and then realize it on step 22!   That happened to me last night and I nearly burst into tears.  It is rare for it to happen to me, but when it did I was NOT about to undo all the steps and start over.  This is where a bottle of wood glue comes in handy, trust me that this is a required product to have on hand before even starting to put together any Ikea product.  Some other essentials for the would-be Ikea enthusiast would be:  a box of band-aids, some peroxide, a pencil, and vodka.  Perhaps you can get by without the band-aids, peroxide, and pencil, however I believe the vodka really is a must if you expect to escape the whole ordeal without being completely traumatized.  Ok, well you could replace the vodka with rum, or tequila, if you wish.

The night before you plan on doing it get a good nights rest.   Before you begin it might be a good idea to tell a friend or family member your plan so in case you go missing they can inform the search party exactly where you'll most likely be found.    This should not be attempted by those with bad eyesight, because you have to squint very hard to see where the fat marshmallow guy is pointing on the picture.  Sometimes the only way to figure out which piece is which is the little holes in it.  Two pieces may be completely identical except one piece has an extra hole on the top right corner.  Of course, it is at this exact spot in the manual when the printing machine that made the instruction manual decides to put a little more ink than is necessary and the picture becomes smeared.   Great!   In that case there is a phone number provided in the book.   Upon calling the number you are connected to a guy in India.  Yes, ANY phone number from ANY company connects you to a guy in India, except for the companies that are actually IN India.  If you call a company that is actually in India you get connected to a phone bank in Connecticut, don't ask me why, such is the many mysteries we may never fully understand.

So now I have only a couple of things left to put together.  I have a Bjork!  Yes, the coffee table screeches horribly to music if any is playing.   I also have a box that I honestly cannot remember what is in it, but the name sounds like something requiring vast amounts of antibiotics.   Maybe it has the fat albino marshmallow man inside and then I can have HIM finish this for me.

Time for some vodka...

What's the rush? Sit down and be social.

I, in general, do not like to discuss political issues but I feel that I must so that you understand what comes later in this post.

For those of you who do not exactly know what Socialism is, it is basically the philosophy that everybody is equal.  Imagine a big organization with 1000 blue collar workers and 12 executive officers.   Since the 1000 workers do most of the manual labor, under a pure socialist society, they would all be entitled to equal shares of the companies profits.  Socialism is called "the great equalizer". The most extreme form of a Socialized country would be a Communist society.   In a total Socialist society the people have no private property rights and goods produced in it would be distributed among the citizens--"from each according to his ability, to each according to his need."   Imagine a brain surgeon who lives two blocks from the hospital and a plumber who lives 20 miles outside of town.  Both need a new car.  They both have to apply for permission from the government to get the car.  Guess who gets the car?   The plumber gets the car because he needs it to do his job, the doctor can walk to the hospital.

If you look at it on paper, socialism works and is very alluring. The notion of everyone being completely equal, even if this means taking from the rich and giving to the poor, seems just.  However that is only on paper.  Socialism does not work in the real world because people are inherently greedy, it is part of our genetic makeup-survival of the fittest.  Every single communist society  that have been or are being attempted are really not communist societies at all, although they try to be.  They end up becoming a Totaliarian country where one individual has complete and total control of the people.  Think about North Korea, or China (not to be confused with the Republic of China) where there exists the "Great Firewall of China" .  The citizens cannot go to any website that could undermine the authority of the Communist Party.  There are moderators that monitor peoples activities and the punishment for even visiting some sites is prison.  The more socialized a country is, the less people question why something is done a certain way and instead just accept it.

So, almost every civilized nation has some form of socialism.  Canada has socialized health care.  Also almost all companies have unions.  It is almost impossible to get fired here.


Now you will understand what comes next.


I had a air conditioning company come to install two air conditioning units in the house, one upstairs and one downstairs.  These are powerful units, and my only option because installing central air would have been very difficult and very expensive.  The man who installed them did not finish.  The one downstairs is basically hanging there and could easily be pushed out and fall onto the deck if one was so inclined to push.  The water hose is just hanging there dripping water onto the deck because he didn't anticipate needing so much hose.  So he says he will come back to complete the job.  It is now TWO MONTHS later.   After many calls and emails he finally agrees to come and fix it.   He said that he would be over "after dinner", this was yesterday.   Ok, I sit here and wait.  6 PM nothing, 7 PM nothing, at 8 PM I call and get his voicemail.  I call again at 10 PM and, again, get his voicemail.   Today, after finally getting hold of him, he said that he couldn't make it.  Um, how about CALLING ME and telling me this information???  This is not the only case of this.  That is what happens because people don't worry about their jobs they just do enough to not get fired.


I have been told that Americans who move here are very successful.  Why?  Because we work!  I spent 12 hours putting Ikea furniture together, why 12 hours??  Because I want it done.   I don't start something and then leave it half done for weeks on end.  Here it seems that is the way it is.  A friend of mine works at a university here.   He has a bookcase in his office but wanted another one.  He asked and they said no, he could not have another bookcase because no one else has two bookcases.  He called up the union directly and said that he has a filing cabinet in his office that he does not want, could he trade the filing cabinet for a second bookcase?  They agreed to that-he got his bookcase.  Apparently everyone was astonished as to why, on Earth, would someone would call the union about this.   Every office has one bookcase and that is just the way it is, what's your issue???  If you have any organization making decisions for you, over time you cease to be able to be assertive.  Your mind changes from that of a strong-willed person who will fight to get what you want, sometimes kicking and screaming, to a person who just accepts what things are because "that is the way it is".


This attitude doesn't just exist in the workplace, it is part of everyday life.   You're going to love this.  Say you and a friend decide you're going to meet up for dinner and a movie.  You make the reservations at 6 PM.  You show up at the restaurant and wait and your friend never shows up.  You call her and she doesn't pick up the phone.   The next day she finally picks up and she says "Oh, I changed my mind, I didn't feel like going out".   This is perfectly acceptable.  If your friend doesn't show up then it is just assumed that he or she is not coming, and why are you making such a big deal out of this??? What's your problem anyway?

When you tell someone to "stop by anytime", you don't really mean it.  When I happen to be walking down the street and I walk past a friend's apartment building, I call them and, if they pick up, I say "Hey, I'm downstairs and was wondering if you'd feel like some company?"   I wouldn't just walk up there and knock on their door unannounced.  Well, here, if you tell someone to "stop by anytime", they will take that literally.

Every day is a learning experience for me here.  I thought I would know what to expect, but I had no idea what it was going to be like.   It is extra difficult here, for me, because not only is this "relaxed, easy going, what's the hurry" attitude completely foreign to me, but the language barrier as well.

This is quite the learning experience for me, I must say.  I am, for the most part, enjoying myself here.  I am just going through the normal adjustment period, from what I have read about the subject.   I suppose the "laid back" mentality here is the reason that people tend to live longer and have less stress related illnesses than in the US.   I don't know if I will ever be as laid back, I am just too high strung, even by US standards, but perhaps, just perhaps, I may try to walk a little bit slower or take an extra minute or two to admire a beautiful park.......

yea...right.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Twice the price, half the service

I love my iPhone, I mean I really LOVE it!  When I got my first iPhone in the US I quickly learned what all the hype was about.  No more carrying around an iPod AND a phone.  I became quick to adjust to finding information out instantly.  What is the name of that wonderful Greek restaurant??  Oh, I can Google it and make a reservation while standing in line at the pharmacy! 

When I came here to Montreal I just HAD to get one.   So, I dragged my friend along to the Apple store.   The place was packed.  The mayhem that I witnessed looked like double coupon day in Bagdad.    They have a waiting list which I have yet to figure out.  They took my name and put it in an iPhone.   All the employees had an iPhone and they used them constantly.   It turned out that one person had a list for repairs, another for computer purchases, another for software, etc..   So you become very aware of who will eventually call you and you start to follow them around, but not so much to be annoying, you just want them to still be aware that you are waiting.  So, hundreds of people flock and separate like spawning fish trying to get their chance to mate. "Oh, she's over there now on the other side of the room!  I'll never hear her call my name, I should go to that side of the store and wait!"   "Oh no!  Now she went upstairs!!!  I'll never hear her call my name from there!  I should go up there to be sure I'm within ear shot!"   The spawning continues.

Ok, so I get to see a representative and he goes over the plans with me.  Unlimited internet???  Doesn't exist!  Do I want caller ID?  Um....how about yes?   Caller ID is extra.   Oh, so if I don't pay the extra amount I'll only see people in my phonebook??  No, if you don't pay the extra charge you will never know who is calling-period.   Do you want voicemail?  Um...another yes?  Cha-ching-extra charge.  Visual voicemail?  Cha-ching!    One good thing is that the Apple online store has a wonderful app that gives me a US phone number forwarded to my cell here, so friends can call me.  Oh, and in the US now MOST cell phone companies consider the entire country "local".  Gone are the days of roaming fees in the US.   Not here.  I asked Rogers Wireless for a map of the local calling area and they said that they did not have any.  Hmm...

The SAQ (Société des Alcools du Québec) is the Quebec version of the liquor store.  The stock of items available are meager compared the gigantic liquor warehouses.  I want a bottle of vodka, the big one.  All they have are the small ones.  "Excuse me, where are the big bottle"   "Why would you want bigger than that?"  OK, no biggie.   I get to the checkout and pay.  "Um, can I have a bag"  "We do not have plastic bags or paper for that matter, you can buy this burlap bag (with HUGE SAQ logo on it to boot), it can be used over and over again"  Yea, so every time I go to the grocery store or pharmacy I have a big advertisement saying "Look at me, I'm a raging alcoholic!  WHEE!!!!!"   So I have to carry a glass bottle down the street cradled like a baby.

Montreal is not a liquor city.  Montreal is a beer city.  I generally don't like beer.  I will, on a very rare occasion, have a beer during a BBQ or when eating a burger.   When I go out I like a cocktail.  I'll take a martini over a beer any day.   Up until a few years ago, I am told by locals, that a cocktail bar was unheard of.  They are slowly coming around, however you pay a price for that drink, "$12.00 for a cosmo?? Are you serious?"   I was told that I should carry a hip flask to the bar and bring my own liquor, then I can sneak into the stall and make my own drinks.  Hmmm...  had I known that I would have to perform chemistry on the back of a toilet tank I would've paid more attention in high school science class.   Anything that you have to do on top of a toilet tank lid probably would be frowned upon by authority figures.  Wine is offered more, but when I order it locals say "oooh.. look at you Mr. Fancy Pants ordering your fancy drinks".  No, they don't really say that, but you get that look when everyone orders a beer and you ask for a Grey Goose lychee martini with just a splash of Chambord and a cranberry garnish.  

Not that I am complaining, I really am not.  Every city whatever country it is in has its pluses and minuses.  If you didn't know it, I am from Pittsburgh originally.  In Pittsburgh you are considered fancy if you wear socks.

I am told, by others who have moved from the home country, that I am going through a phase called "homesickness" in which you compare everything to your home country and why it is not as good as back home.   I am not sure about that, maybe it is true.   I do compare things, but I also find things about this city better than the one I came from.    Here there is more than two subway lines, and you can actually get to the most locations without having to switch from a train to the bus and then to a trolley, oh and transfers are FREE.   People seem more relaxed, I suppose, in part due to the fact that they never have to worry about getting sick and health insurance, or that they seem to drink capacious amounts of beer during their lunch break ( walk past any bar at lunch time, you'll see).

Oh, and one more thing.... they have St-Hubert here.  The best damn chicken for a chain restaurant I've ever tasted.  Chik-Fil-A tastes like canned cat food by comparison. 

Monday, September 21, 2009

First let me start off by saying that I am not a writer of any sort. I started this blog because I need to vent. At times I may be angry and frustrated so I may say things that I do not mean just because I am venting, so please do not take offense if you happen to catch me in a bad mood.
I am an American citizen. I lived the last 35 years in the United States. I am a seasoned traveler and have visited over 20 countries throughout South America and Europe. I am telling you this so that you don't immediately think that I am a "stupid American" who has never left his backyard and is bitching because he was expecting Canada to be just like the US.
The reasons as to why I moved to Montreal are not really of importance here. However I will say that the turning of the economy made my working environment harder and harder to deal with. Micromanagement by executives and layoffs primed me to take this big step when the opportunity presented itself.
I am now a Canadian resident. I have a permanent resident card. I came to Montreal and bought a house and thus began my adventure.


So, the first thing that is different between Canada and the US is that there is no such thing as a fixed rate mortgage. The mortgage rate can change at certain intervals depending on what type of mortgage you get. It could be every 5 years, 7 years, and so on. OK, so that is no big deal, I suppose I can deal with that.
Now, Quebec has something called a "welcome tax" when you buy property in the province. It is my understanding that this is only in Quebec. "Welcome to Quebec! Now give us $5,000.00!" It can vary from a few hundred on up to thousands. They have some sort of mathematical equation that they use to figure out how much it is. I am sure that it was developed by Albert Einstein in his latter years and the sheer mechanics of developing it led to his eventual death.
So, after all that is done I am excited that I have a new house and there are things that I want done with it, like installing appliances and air conditioning. Unfortunately I did not know that right after settlement there was a period of two weeks where it is against the law to do any kind of labor work on homes. So the first two weeks of having the new home nothing got done. Oh, and in addition to the two weeks, all the labor workers still get entitled to vacation time. Why, you may ask, do labor workers not use that two weeks to take a vacation? Welcome to socialism! Why take two weeks when you can have four!


So I am in my new home and excited about buying accessories. I need everything, furniture, rugs, picture frames, etc. What is the best time to go to the store to buy all these accessories? One would imagine during the weekend. So on Saturday I check out the local stores such as Zellers, Canadian Tire, and Ikea. All the stores close at 5 PM on the weekend. 5PM??? Of course, why would anyone want to be able to shop later than that??
I decided that it would be easier to just place an Ikea order online, I've been to Ikea a hundred times and know what they have. So going online I find that several of the products are not available for purchase online or by phone, only in person. Going to the Ikea US site every single item is available in surplus and available. I wanted a dark brown/black couch table. The website will let me choose the exact same table in light wood, but the dark brown one requires a store visit. It is the exact same one in EVERY WAY except the color. Both are in stock at the store, however I cannot buy the dark one online. Why?? Searching the website provides no clarification. Maybe having darker furniture requires an age limit and they need ID?


So, I go to the other stores online, like Zellers and Canadian Tire, and they state that they will no longer offer online shopping. Why? Searching the internet I find that they will not offer online shopping because of "increased cost". Ok, so charge me more, rather than to stop offering it-that is what a US store would do! Capitalism is a good thing.
So my house has one location to hook up internet, and that is downstairs in the living room. I want my desktop in my bedroom. I decided to get a powerline ethernet bridge, which is a handy little device where you plug one adapter next to the modem and the other next to your computer and use your homes electrical wires to transmit the internet signal. Pretty neat, huh? Netgear offers the best of its kind. Going to Netgear I see they are readily available at Target, Amazon, Walmart, among others. Not here, unfortunately. There is not a single store that I have found that has this item. Well, I go to Netgear Canada and place the order. Great! No, not so great as I get an email that the item is on back order. Yet in the US I see that the item is "ready to ship". Same product, same company, so what's the problem???
I did find some people offering this product on ebay or some unknown stores that don't look too reputable to me.
So, now I am planning to rent a U-Haul van and drive my ass over to Ikea to get the age restricted furniture for my house. I am not sure how to get the ethernet bridge, maybe the black market??
All in all, I love my new home. I am not regretting my decision to move here in any way, and I am not griping about the Canadian or Quebec people in any way. They are in the same boat as I am, I am sure as I type this that there is someone else scratching their heads as to why they cannot get that dark table online. The only difference is that most of them just accept it because "that's just the way it is". Since I know that it is "not the way it is" back in the US, I am left feeling frustrated and a little bit homesick.